Thursday, August 25, 2016
The Things Holding You Back
Hmmmm… I kept thinking about this all week. The things holding me back, what are they? Mind, effort, job, animals, not people (I don’t have anyone holding me back, only pushing me forth), weight, want, lack of desire, emotion, sorrow, WHAT?
What are the things holding me back is a question I’ve been asking myself for over a week. I kept the thinking about that question since my last run. On that run, I saw a perfectly green tree, bright in its shade of color, perfectly shaped, sunned in all the right spots, except the one branch being choked out by a disease of some sort. It was just the one branch, webbed and browned, destroying the tree, eating the leaves until they were whispers of what they once were, keeping it back from being what it was supposed to be in its entirety.
There’s something greater at work or at slack, than just what’s happened to our lives over the summer. I think I’m trying to stay put for a little longer just so I don’t have to face what’s to come in life, without my mom. But I also think there’s a deep desire to move along. When I say move along, I don’t mean no longer mourn or no longer crave her presence. I think I mean move forward through the things holding me back.
I had a little “incident” this week, of the dog kind. The big dog and I were playing. We always tease that he has a block head (like a cinder block it turns out) and when we were playing, his head slammed into mine. A trip to the ER, several meals through a straw (I was told no chewing meat but I won’t consider bacon meat) an X-ray at the dentist and a chiropractor later, there’s a lessened pain, a lessened stiffness, a release of sorts.
That’s it. That’s what’s holding me back. The things I’m holding on to for dear life are the things holding me back. I can do nothing but sigh at that statement. I think in that statement, I’m meaning, the deepest of sorrow, the angriest of anger, the most frightful of fears, the height of anxiety, every single memory, thought and experience, good and bad, of my mom. It’s unavoidable. Some of that will have to be released.
That tree I saw had its own struggle and I’m not sure how it will get through. It has deep running roots for a reason though. That tree has the strength to stand up in the sun, cold, wind, rain & snow. That tree has its own mission, but it has something very visible holding it back too. If that tree allows whatever it is that’s holding it back, turning it brown, choking out its green, to keep going, then that’s exactly what will happen. And I know if I keep allowing things to overtake me, my goals, my needs, my sheer want and need to push forth, I’ll only ever remain exactly where I currently stand.
When I saw that tree, I had such doleful thoughts. I considered how pretty it was, but how damaged it would inevitably become. I grieved for the tree. “What are the things holding you back?” You’ll be glad to know the tree didn’t answer but I did.
I don’t want to feel lost anymore. I hope to feel settled in peace of mind and in my heart. The doctor told me today that I’ve got to do whatever it is that makes me feel a sense of devotion and releases my stress.
With every contemplation, however I’m stricken emotionally, I hope to release. I hope to draw in a cleansing breath of strength and exhale a little anxiety, stress, sorrow, anger, grief, even if that happens one pant at a time.
Be careful and happy running, y’all.