Monday, October 31, 2016

Inside Out

I slept in yesterday, Sunday. When I “sleep in” it’s usually 6:30, maybe 7:00 a.m. But yesterday, it was 8:38 am and even then, I didn’t get out of bed. Saturday night, before climbing into bed, I let the curtains fall closed. The sun still usually comes thru quite strong, but yesterday, it was a bit overcast. I had my coffee in bed and I didn’t take the dogs out. 

Somedays, it’s nice to just not do or be anything. It’s nice to watch tv, listen to the flags slap against the wind, not hurry to start the day.

I checked my timelines on all the social media sites. It was the 41st Marine Corps Marathon yesterday and I knew several people running. It was funny to see all of my own posts from previous MCMs pop up and give me a gentle reminder of all the things I wasn’t doing, all while I drank my coffee in bed. 

Everyone in my house had something to do or somewhere to be, but I chose no… No, all because I just didn’t want to. After it was quiet again in the house, I climbed back into bed to watch a few of my DVRs from the past month. And as I was laying there quiet and content, I just felt a wave of grief. I had tried to call my dad, my sister and the house phone, but no one answered. This would’ve usually been the time when I called my mom- she always answered. 

Those are the moments I miss her the most. Instead of pulling the covers back over me, snuggling safely into my favorite spot, I got up and made up my mind, even if just for a moment, for a day. 

Grief is a "funny" feeling. I've been such a lazy bum, internally and externally since losing my mom. I hate the way grief makes me feel. I try to cancel out the would've, should've, could've of it but most days it wins. It’s easy to just keep thinking of all the excuses that keep me from doing what I love. But yesterday, I ran downstairs, got my Purple/No Excuses Flower, changed into my running shoes, dusted off my treadmill & got on. 

Three miles later, three miles later…

One of my Fellow Flowers said something very wise and it resonated loudly with me. She said the grief process requires “respect.” The grief process requires respect… 
My Fellow Flower also told me she was proud of me and glad I found a way to channel my grief for the day… yesterday… and again today… three miles later. I felt relieved, good, the way I wanted to feel. I felt healed for those moments. I think that’s what running does for me. Each time I run, I don't necessarily look like a runner, feel like a runner, feel like a marathoner, but I’m amazed at the amount of healing on the inside that takes place and radiates outwardly. 

Running, channeling my grief, leaving behind frustrations, every day life, annoyances, moments of disappointment and every single other thing I might be feeling; running however far, fast or slow, heals it all from the inside out and leads me to a path of community, friendship and hope.

Be safe and happy running y’all.

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